


hurt, heartbreak, love?

by Ithinkurkewl



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU Malec, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hurt, Love, M/M, Malec, Malec AU, Pining, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-01 01:23:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18325853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithinkurkewl/pseuds/Ithinkurkewl
Summary: Magnus and Alec fell in love, no one mattered but each other until one day Magnus decided to leave. 8 months later he is back and trying to explain.





	1. green tea chai latte

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fanfic. I'm really excited to see where this goes. Any and all mistakes are mine :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably add more to this later.

Alec stared at his favourite green tea chai latte and frowned.

“Hey, I didn’t order this!” H shouted at the waitress walking away.

“True but I did.”

The chilling familiar voice reached his ears before the man sat down in front of Alec.

“Hello, again.”

Alec gawped, he hadn’t seen Magnus for months, not since the day that they had broken up almost 8 months ago. Alec scraped his hand through his dishevelled head of hair and looked into Magnus’s piercing golden eyes.

“What…?”

Alec watched as Magnus’s lips slowly spread into a smirk that sent shivers down his spine, but Alec needed to focus, he needed to know why Magnus was here after all this time.

“How have you been Alec?” Magnus’s eyes trailed down Alec’s muscular body, clearly taking in every detail of him.

“Great, life couldn’t be better!” Alec’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

Magnus sighed, “Really Alec, sarcasm?”

“What do you want me to say? Life has been shit Magnus!” Alec’s voice started to raise, drawing attention to them. “You decided I wasn’t enough for you, got up and left me with a broken heart!”

“Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done!” Magnus yelled suddenly, looking anywhere but at Alec’s soft blue eyes because he knew once he did that then all the barriers, he had built up would crumble down in an instant.

 

“I don’t believe you.” Alec whispered it so quietly that it was a miracle that Magnus heard him, he was trying incredibly hard not to break down and show Magnus how much he had hurt him. “How can I believe you when you can’t even look me in the eye!”

Slowly Magnus raised his head, and stared into Alec’s eyes, he saw all the hurt, the vulnerability in his eyes and a dry sob left his lips. “Alec…please…”

“No, I don’t want to hear it, you walked out and left me,” Alec’s eyes burnt as he tried to hold in his tears, “I hate you for that.”

Magnus felt as if he had been punched in the gut, “Let me explain, please.”

“No explanation is going to undo the months of hurt and heartbreak Magnus.” Alec couldn’t hold himself together anymore, tears started to trickle down his face. He fumbled to put his jacket on and hastily got out of the chair he was sitting I and sprinted out the café door.

 

Magnus sat and stared at the empty seat that Alec had been sitting in moments before, he let the tears he had been holding back stream down his face, not caring if they wrecked his makeup. The mask had finally come off and all the feelings he’d been locking away came out like a dam breaking. He only had one thought, I need to find Alec and explain everything.


	2. broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aec talks over everything with friends and family whilst Magnus tries to get in touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who has been ill and has had time to write a couple of chapters :)  
> This chapter has mild suicide references.  
> Hope you enjoy it ;)

“I wonder what the final straw was.” Alec was lying on his mattress in his apartment trying to explain what had happened at the café earlier to his sister.

Isabelle sighed loudly, “Alec, I know he hurt you, but don’t you think maybe you should let him explain? You said how upset he looked, maybe he had a good reason to leave.”

Alec considered this for a moment, biting his already near non existent nails, “why couldn’t he have explained before? Why did he leave without saying anything? Why wait 8 months and then up on a random Tuesday?”

“Alec…”

“Was I not good enough for him? Was I too needy? Too inexperienced? What…”

“ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD, shut up and listen to me.”

Alec snapped out of his spiral, “what Isabelle?”

“Maybe you should just talk to him Alec,” Isabelle said calmly, “I know how badly it’s been eating you up for the past 8 months. I know all the pain you’ve felt, all the pain you almost caused me, our family.” Isabelle had to stop before a sob would escape her lips.

“Issy you know how sorry I am. You know I wish I hadn’t caused everyone all that pain.” Alec thought back to that dreadful evening when he had felt so low that he saw no hope, no way out, no way but one to make the pain stop, but he couldn’t think about that otherwise the guilt would tear him apart.

“I know Alec, I know you weren’t in the right frame of mind but now you are… so go talk to him before the unknown tears you apart again.”

“Fine…” Alec felt like a deflated balloon, but he didn’t need to add to the burdens he’d already put on Issy, “I’m sorry Issy. I love you.

“I love you too big brother, and remember if you need to talk, I’m always here to listen.”

“I know…bye.” Alec hung up and stared at his blank wall, which he hadn’t painted when he moved in because after Magnus there was no colour or joy. Tears had started to stream down his face, but Alec didn’t seem to notice, all he could focus on was the big empty space in him that had once been filled by Magnus.

The apartment door suddenly flew open and before Alec knew what was happening, he was engulfed in a wave of red hair.

“Issy called me and told me everything.” The red head murmured into Alec’s shoulder.

“Clary, I…” Was all Alec could get out before he let out another sob and broke down.

“Oh Alec…” Clary dragged Alec’s tense body to the sofa and sat him down, she sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him again. Alec knew that she was trying to find the right words to say to him, but he didn’t mind, just her presence comforted him enough that after a few minutes, he could finally talk again.

“I just don’t know what to do Clary, after all this time, I finally felt as if everything was getting better. I finally felt as if I could rebuild my life after everything…”

“I know Alec you’ve been feeling better Alec, but I also know that not knowing has been ripping you apart and without knowing you are never going to be able to completely move on with your life.” Clary knew that Alec was ripping himself apart inside thinking about all the ways that he could have done something to hurt Magnus, but Clary knew that there was something Magnus wasn’t telling Alec and by the sound of things, he was willing to explain now. “Alec you are one of the strongest people I know, so just talk to him, see what he has to say and then choose what to do after.”

“…okay,” was all Alec could say to that, no matter how far to the edge he got, Clary was always there to reason him off it, it was one of the reasons she was his best friend.

 

Magnus stared into his empty glass, things had gone even worse than he had expected, of course he knew that coming back after 8 months was going to upset Alec, but he hadn’t realised just how much he had hurt him, it broke Magnus to think about all the pain Alec must have felt.

Of course, Magnus had always known that he had hurt Alec, but he had tried not to think about it because the guilt would consume him, and he knew that he couldn’t survive that.

Magnus thought back to the last 8 months, flashes of new houses, new friends, new lovers, but never anyone he loved near a much as Alec.

He decided to take out his phone and call Alec but soon remembered that Alec had blocked his number a while ago, he didn’t like to admit how much that had stung. Magnus now realised that he had no way to get in contact with Alec, his whole family had also blocked all around he same time and Magnus now had no idea where Alec lived since they had both lived in the apartment he was sat in, months before.

That didn’t matter much because moments later his phone lit up with a text from an unknown number.

Can we talk?

A couple of seconds later it lit up again.

This is Alec by the way.

Magnus’s heart leaped almost out of his chest, Alec wanted to speak to him. This was the only chance he was ever going to get to explain what had happened 8 months ago and ever since.

Sure

Meet me on the bench in an hour

Magnus knew exactly what Alec meant, the bench where they had sat on after their first date and had finally admitted how much they meant to each other.

Magnus leapt up and almost sprinted into his bedroom, he had to find something to wear, something that wasn’t too showy or sparkly, something that wouldn’t make Alec feel too uncomfortable. He settled on a black, skin tight shirt that accentuated his muscles and a pair of skinny white jeans. Obviously, he had to style his hair and redo is eyeliner and he was ready to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof right, what's going to happen when Magnus and Alec finally sit down and have an actual conversation?  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.  
> 


	3. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finally explains to Alec why he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, guess who's written 3 chapters in 3 days. I'm trying to write this quickly because I'm going on holiday in a week and I'd like to dive a bit deeper into Magnus and Alec's past and future. :)

Alec sat nervously on the bench, he had thrown on his least threadbare jumper and washed his face to try and make it look as if he hadn’t spent another half hour sobbing into Clary’s arms before setting off to meet Magnus.

Admittedly, Alec had almost ran to the bench and was now a whole 14 minutes early which meant that he was now stewing on what he was going to say to Magnus now that the initial shock had worn off, but he still wasn’t sure.

Magnus knew Alec, he knew that he would almost definitely be early, so he had set off earlier than necessary. He spotted Alec immediately, how couldn’t he? Alec was always the brightest thing Magnus could see. Slowly he walked towards him. “Alexander…”

Alec looked up and saw Magnus, looking as beautiful as always, “Hi Magnus.” Alec patted the space on the bench next to him and Magnus slowly sat down next to Alec.

“I’m so so sorry Alec.” Magnus had to say it before he went on, he knew that Alec probably didn’t want to hear it again, but Magnus needed to say it. “I want to explain everything but first I wanted to apologise for everything that happened.”

Alec stared at Magnus, trying to read his face, “Magnus, I…”

“Please just let me explain, Alec, if you stop me, I don’t think ill be able to make it through this.” Magnus looked up at Alec as if waiting for his permission to continue. Alec knew that was what Magnus wanted so he nodded his head slightly, waiting for Magnus to start telling his story.

 

“Alec, things were going great with us, we were so in love, it physically hurt when I was away from you. So, one day I decided to ask my dad for my grandmother’s ring, I was going to propose to you, here on this bench actually…” Magnus had to stop for a second, he’d buried all his feelings, trying to forget Alec, forget the love of his life.

“…Anyway, I went to see my dad, but he wouldn’t give me the ring. He said…” Magnus let out a sob and tears started to stream down his face, “he said if I didn’t break all contact with you then he would hurt you and your family. He told me that he had a man on the inside ready to hurt Isabelle, I later learnt that Meliorn hadn’t really met Isabelle by accident, my father had orchestrated it to seem that way but really Meliorn was just there to make sure I did what my father asked.”

Alec stared at Magnus in disbelief, he had always thought that there was something off about Meliorn, but he had never been able to put his finger on it. He had to admit that Magnus’s story was starting to make sense though, Isabelle and Meliorn had broken up days after Magnus and Alec, obviously Issy hadn’t been that upset, their relationship was more about sex than love, but he was going to file that away for later.

“I begged my father not to do it, but he wouldn’t sway, he knew about my bisexuality but never really accepted it, he still wanted me to marry a woman to give me more sway when I inherited his crime empire. I couldn’t do that though, for me you were the only person I would ever love, and he knew that so he gave me an ultimatum: marry any women he wanted me to and hurt you that way or leave town that day otherwise he would hurt you. Of course, I knew I had to skip town, start a new life with a new identity. I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t let my father hurt you, I loved you too much.” Tears were now running down Magnus’s face, but he knew that he had to keep going.

“I wanted to tell, I planned to call you from the bus but as soon as I sat down, my phone lit up with a picture of you sat in a coffee shop, I knew I had to break all contact with you.” Alec thought back to that day, Magnus had broken up with him a couple of hours before and he had gone to meet Isabelle to talk about everything.

Magnus continued, “I loved you so much Alec, I never wanted to hurt you, but I rather it was me that hurt you instead of my father.” Magnus finally looked up and saw that Alec also had tears streaming down his face, he looked more vulnerable than he had for a long time.

“I tried to forget about you, I tried so hard but no matter what I did, I could never forget you. I know that I would have to come back and explain what happened one day, and I prayed and prayed that that day would come sooner rather than later.” Magnus stared down at the ground, he had not only hurt Alec by leaving, he had hurt him by trying to forget about him and that wasn’t fair.

“But a few days ago, my father was… my father was…killed” Magnus choked out, “and Meliorn had disappeared, it was finally safe for me to come home…come back to you.” 

Alec had been sat silently crying throughout the whole tale, he had thought that Magnus never loved him or that he had hurt Magnus in some way, but it was in fact the opposite, Magnus had loved him so much that he left his whole life before just to keep him safe.

Alec took Magnus’s hand and looked into his tear-filled eyes. “Magnus, I’m sorry…for everything you went through.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for Alexander, if I had to choose again, I would choose the same thing. My only regret is how much hurt I’ve caused you.

“None of that matters now, all that matters now is that your home.” Alec squeezed Magnus’s hand. “Do you want to go somewhere more private?”

“Okay.” Magnus was in a sort of daze, he hadn’t expected Alec’s reaction, he’d thought that there would be a lot more yelling or something along those lines but no, Alec had taken everything in his stride.

“Let’s go to my place, we have a lot more talking to do.”

 

Magnus followed Alec back to his apartment, he had to admit he was a bit sceptical about what kind of place Alec lived in now. Alec never had cared much about the appearance of things, it was Magnus who had decorated their apartment all those years ago.

Yet when Alec opened his apartment door, Magnus was speechless, the apartment was beautiful and elegant, surely this wasn’t Alec’s work.

Alec, seeing Magnus’s shocked expression let out a small laugh, “my roommate is an interior designer.”

That did make more sense. Magnus watched as Alec took off his jumper, it was only slightly threadbare which meant that he had obviously only bought it a couple of months ago. Magnus took in Alec’s glorious body, his abs, his silky dark hair, those ocean blue eyes and lastly his arms, which as Magnus looked more closely had lots of small scars all over them.

Magnus couldn’t help himself, “Alec what are those?” He pointed at the scars that covered most of Alec’s forearms.

Alec visibly flinched, he hadn’t thought that he might need to hide his scars. In fact, he’d almost forgotten they even existed after hearing Magnus’s story, but they were still there, a reminder of the worst time of his life but also a reminder to keep on living.

“Please don’t tell me those are because of me…” Magnus’s eyes filled with tears once more as his eyes raked up and down Alec’s arms.

“Magnus…they aren’t…” Alec stopped, he wasn’t sure how to tell Magnus about the past 8 months, “they’re not because of you specifically.” Alec took a deep breath, “you knew Jace.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happened with Jace?  
> I hope you like Magnus's reasons for leaving. I'm going to dive more into that in future chapters ;)


	4. 8 months apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec catch up on what they've been ding for the past 8 months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how great this chapter is, I've been struggling to find the right words to write but this has been the best outcome so...  
> Enjoy :)

“You’re adopted brother?” Magnus asked, he had to admit he hadn’t got to know Jace as well as he would have liked seen as Jace was always working but still, he liked the guy. “Well, a couple of months ago, Jace got in a serious car accident, he was in a coma for months,” Alec had to choke back a sob, “then one day he just stopped breathing. After that life was just too painful, you’d left me, then Jace was gone, I didn’t know how to function after everything, the pain consumed every aspect of my life. I was emotionally tortured every minute of every day…I needed to get rid of it...” Alec had tears pouring down his face.

“Oh Alexander.” Magnus pulled Alec into a tight hug, “I’m so sorry, about everything.” Magnus could feel the guilt that had been eating him up for months grow deep down. “I can never apologise enough for what I did, and I can’t even comprehend how you feel about Jace but I’m here now and I am going to try and make up for everything I did as much as possible.”

Alec sighed, he’d already half forgiven Magnus, he understood that Magnus did what he did to protect him. “At least I now know that I didn’t do anything wrong, I think that’s what tore me apart the most, the feeling that I did something to hurt you or that I could have helped Jace more.”

“Alexander, you can’t blame yourself, please don’t blame yourself, I know you think it’s your duty to protect everybody, but you don’t, you need to look after yourself sometimes.”

“Thank you,” Alec had heard that from everybody for months after Jace died but somehow hearing it from Magnus made it seem truer. “I’ve missed you Magnus,” Alec whispered.

“I’ve missed you too.” Magnus meant that sincerely, he hadn’t felt whole in months, but he finally did now, he couldn’t concentrate on that right now though, he had to focus on the fact that Alec had clearly hurt himself, even if it wasn’t recently. 

“You have no idea how much I needed to hear that Magnus, I haven’t felt ok I for a while, especially when I’m not around Clary but when I saw you, it felt as if everything may turn out ok in the end.”

“Clary?” Magnus asked, he loved hearing the positive effect he had on Alec but if there was someone else who had the same effect, he needed to tell them how thankful he was for them for sticking with Alec through everything.

“Clary is my roommate, we met at a café, a couple weeks after Jace died, we started talking and eventually she saw the scars and asked about them. I trusted her almost instantly, so I decided to tell her, that’s when she told me her best friend had died a month before after being hit by a drunk driver. She was the only person who didn’t look at me and my scars and judge me for not being able to control my emotions. We agreed to meet up the next day and after that we kept meeting up to talk or watch films or other stuff until we spent so much time together, we decided to get an apartment together.”

“Well this Clary sounds like an amazing woman.” Magnus felt a twinge of jealousy that there was someone who knew Alec better than him.

“She really is,” Alec smiled genuinely at Magnus, “what about you though? What have you been doing for the past 8 months?”

Magnus tensed, how did you explain to the man that he loved more than anyone or anything in the world about your new life. “Well, I met a man named Will on the bus, he was running away from his life like me, something about a demon in his past or something, we spoke for the whole bus ride and hit it off, we were both struggling with emotional torment and talking it out helped slightly. Eventually it came to his stop and he asked if I wanted to go with him to see his distant cousin and since I didn’t really have a plan I said yes.”

At the mention of another man, Alec felt a wave of jealousy rush though him, he had thought that Magnus maybe still loved him but clearly, he’d moved on, Magnus wasn’t exactly hiding the affection in his eyes.

“I went with Will to see his distant cousin but soon realised that that wasn’t the place for me, Will instantly clicked with everyone there but I stood out like a sore thumb, I could tell the family were trying their best but something just didn’t feel right so I stayed the night and left in the morning.”

This made Alec calm down a bit, maybe Magnus felt like he did, like there was no one else in the world for him but Magnus, no matter the history.

“After that, I hopped from place to place, never really finding a place that felt like a home,” Magnus left out the part about trying to forget Alec by screwing his friend Woolsey, that seemed like something they could talk about later, if needs be. “After 4 months of travelling around the states, I decided to visit my friend Ragnor in England, we caught up on the past couple of years and he helped me through everything-that’s where I was for the last 4 months.”

“I guess neither of us have had the best time.” Alec tried to make a funny remark but both of them just stood and stared at each other whilst thinking back on the worst eight months of their lives.

After a while, Magnus decided it was time, “can we talk about us now?”

Alec had been somehow dreading but also looking forward to this conversation, “sure, do you want a drink first?”

“Definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this, the next chapter will hopefully be more exciting.


	5. The end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec talk about their relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is literally 200 words long but I feel like this is as far as this story can go.

Alec went to the fridge, “all I’ve got is beer.”

“That’s fine.” Magnus started to wander around the apartment, it really was beautiful, all the colours complimented each other and there just the right amount of art on the walls.

“So…”

“So…”

“I think I still love you.” Alec blurted out, instantly regretting it and turning beet red. “I know that you hurt me but now I understand that it was to protect me, and I get that, I would have done the same thing” Alec looked expectantly into Magnus’s eyes.

Magnus took a big breath before speaking, “I still love you too, but are you sure you do, after all the pain I caused you, all the hurt and torture?” Magnus didn’t want Alec to say anything just because he felt he had to.

“I promise you Magnus, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to live without you.”

This made Magnus smile, “well then I think we have our answer there Alexander but we still need to talk about how we will progress. I don’t want to start over again, but we can’t just dive in straight where we were.”

“I know Magnus and we can figure that out tomorrow but for now, I just ant you to hold me and let me feel whole again.”

Magnus smiled, “I think I can do that, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope it wasn't too bad :)  
> I will hopefully be back soon with a new fic ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Comments and kudos are appreciated. tumblr: maleclightwoodbanee


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